


5+1 Things That Kakashi Learned the Hard Way, Plus the Time He Already Knew But Was Still Surprised.

by ThatOneTyGuy



Category: Naruto
Genre: 5+1 Things, Kakashi fucking up, Minato is a permanently exhausted pigeon, Other, don't get in the way of minato's coffee in the morning, kakashi being a fucking idiot, you will die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-25 23:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16208108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneTyGuy/pseuds/ThatOneTyGuy
Summary: Sometimes, you can't help but question things you know or usually learn things easily.Sometimes, you just learn things the hard way when you really, really didn't want to.





	1. 1. Do not talk to Minato before his morning coffee unless you have a death wish. (Also, listen to your comrades more often.)

     It started as a normal day, in a normal week. Considering the fact that it was Monday, a good number of things could go wrong incredibly quickly.

In fact, things started going wrong at seven thirty in the morning. Life didn’t even have the decency to wait until the afternoon for things to go wrong.

     It all started at the Hokage building at about seven in the morning, where I was going to go to the coffee machine to get some coffee because who would EVER go without coffee when you are about to go on a mission? Usually, considering how new the coffee machine addition to the building is, there would be a line and a barely civilized mental fight over it because EVERYONE wants coffee. However, even if there was a huge line, exactly five minutes before seven thirty everyone, and I mean EVERYONE including Guy who would do basically anything for coffee, would leave. At first, this confused me. Now I know better than to try and even attempt to get coffee around seven thirty and I’m better off waiting until eight. Why do I know better, you ask?

Well, how about I take you back a bit to right before I went to that dreaded place?

>|<          >|<          >|<

    I walked into the Hokage building, a bit tired from waking up a bit earlier than I should have and as usual I saw the huge line for the coffee machine. It was so long, it trailed out the door and it was somewhat funny to me that high-ranking ANBU members impatiently stood there in line for their morning coffee. Has anyone even thought of getting another coffee machine? I start up the stairs, only to see a chunin that I don’t know the name of looking out across the village, looking for something. Or someone. Suddenly, the unknown chunin looks to a spot near the Hokage building and runs into the room. “Everyone get out of here! He’s coming,” the chunin says, much to my confusion. Despite the chunin being whole ranks lower than the ANBU, the ANBU instantly realize and everyone practically vanishes from the room except Tenzo.

“Kakashi, why are you staying here? You don’t want to get in the way of his morning coffee,” Tenzo says, giving me a pointed look while putting particular emphasis on the ‘he’. I raise the eyebrow over my visible eye, questioning.

“What do you mean?” I ask, wondering. Tenzo sighs, and I instantly feel a bad premonition.

“Alright, stay here then. Not going to try and spare you from the mental ‘What the actual fuck’,” Tenzo says shortly, leaving the room and leaving me incredibly confused. Oh well, at least there’s no line for coffee now, right?

Oh boy was I wrong.

     Of course, there wasn’t that enormous line for coffee and as soon as I semi-cheerfully start making my coffee I felt a sudden premonition. Because I don’t usually get premonitions very often and I had already gotten two of them that dreadful day, I was starting to think that this was a terrible idea and that I should’ve listened to Tenzo. But I had already started making my coffee, and it would be a waste to just stop making it now. I don’t get coffee very often, mostly because of the huge line that appears every day, but seeing as it suddenly vanished right when I showed up I thought to make the most of it. I take my now fully brewed black coffee and grab two cream cups, turning slightly to a familiar chakra signature. “Hello, Minato-sen…” I start, quickly trailing off after seeing the barely concealed expression of absolute exhaustion that doesn’t want to deal with the incredibly frustrating work that comes with being a Hokage. “sei…” This was a terrible idea, and I should’ve listened to Tenzo. Definitely should’ve listened to Tenzo. Even though my former sensei was known for his patience and sometimes his kindness, he doesn’t have that before his morning coffee. This is something I would’ve rather learned by asking someone, but it doesn’t look like I have the option. I slowly turns back to my coffee and pick it up, instantly learning my lesson. Do not encounter Minato before his morning coffee, otherwise he will act like a terrifying form of Kushina.

“Can I just get my coffee?” Minato says, in a voice I already know not to hear ever again if I want to live this encounter.

“Yes. Yes, you can,” I say, stepping away from the coffee machine after I get my small cups of cream. As soon as I do that, I get out of that terrifying situation as fast as possible. I could’ve died there, and I can’t even begin to think about where to begin for processing this new information. Basically, everything that I thought I knew about my former teacher was destroyed in a single instant. Well, that’s probably being dramatic, but a sizeable portion of it was.

 

Now, to never, EVER, do that again.


	2. 2. Don't fucking shave with a kunai knife.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you are so tired that you can't help but be a total fucking idiot.  
> This was one of those times.

     I wake up slowly, somehow still exhausted from yesterday. Fighting Itachi and Kisame at the same time wasn’t one of my best choices, and now I’ll have to deal with the repercussions. I somehow manage to get out of bed, get a glass of water and water my plants before realizing that I’m missing the plant entirely, then start to get ready for the day. The day is obviously already going well, as you may be able to see but I thought then that I’d manage.

Of course, and as usual, I was completely and utterly wrong.

     I thought about cooking something for myself but decided not to because I obviously can make good decisions and went into the bathroom instead. I took my mask off, and then search around the sink only to realize I have no razors. Wonder where it went. Instead of getting another razor like a person with actual common sense, I decided that I’ll make up a solution on the spot.

What better way to shave in the morning when you are exhausted and still mentally hurt by a battle then shaving with a kunai knife?

     Now I’ll admit, it’s obviously not one of my best decisions, but it isn’t my worst either. Which is kind of pathetic when you think about it. So, I started shaving with a kunai knife, and not even two seconds later I already cut myself. Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

     Even then, I wasn’t going to give up, so I continued even though I was cutting myself basically every few seconds. If Itachi used a kunai knife to get his eyeliner on point (How I found that out is a story for another day, and how I survived it is also another story…) then why couldn’t I use a kunai knife to shave? I had already started, and no way in hell was I going to give up. I finally stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. I might’ve gained a couple of new scars this way, but I wasn’t going to admit what I had done because no way in hell was I going to embarrass myself even further. So, I put my mask on, quickly realized I was bleeding through the mask, took it off and bandaged my face, then put my mask back on. At least no one could see the bandages under the mask. Of course it didn’t go well, I fucking shaved with a kunai knife. This was a terrible idea. Remembering that I needed to do a mission that day, I went to Tsunade to get the details on it. I can say for myself that I probably didn’t look too good, but no way in hell was I going to explain what I did.

>|<          >|<          >|<

     Tsunade first noticed something was wrong when Kakashi walked into the room. He looked exhausted and beat his record for tardiness by an hour, and Tsunade didn’t know if she should feel unsurprised or disappointed. Probably both. “Kakashi, what happened to your face?” Tsunade asks, bluntly. She doesn’t want any dancing around the truth this time.

 “Aaa… I tried to get a cat out of a tree, but it scratched my face up and ran,” Kakashi says, giving another of his legendarily bad excuses. Tsunade’s eyes narrow.

 “That’s not the truth and we both know that,” Tsunade replies shortly. Kakashi looks slightly surprised but doesn’t say anything right away and looks like he is trying to think up something. “Trying to think up more excuses isn’t going to get you anywhere.” Kakashi looks slightly guilty from under his mask, and Tsunade raises an eyebrow.

 “If I say what happened, can you not tell anyone else?” Kakashi says hesitantly. Tsunade nods, ready to hear what Kakashi did. “So, I got up in the morning and I was absolutely exhausted. I started getting ready, realized I didn't have a razor, and because I'm an idiot I used a kunai instead.” Tsunade blinks for a moment, before starting to laugh loudly at Kakashi's blunder. This was hilarious!

 “You fucking idiot!” Tsunade says loudly, still laughing. “Since that's so pathetic, I'm not even going to heal it for you. You can suffer and run around until it heals with bandages on your face and your absolutely terrible excuses.” Kakashi internally sweats, if that is a thing. He does not want to have to make up any more excuses for it, because he would eventually be found out by everyone. This was a terrible situation.

 

Lesson learned. Don't use a kunai as a fucking razor.

 


	3. 3. Don't accept Gai's cooking challenges. (Additionally, don't cook using your sensei's kitchen for said challenges.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can't help but nearly burn your sensei's house down when you try to cook.

     On another Monday, another terrifying event happened. I never thought I would have something like this happen, because I don't cook for a very specific reason. But of course, Gai showed up and challenged me to a cooking contest. It went like this, and it didn't end well.

>|<          >|<          >|<

     “MY ETERNAL RIVAL! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A COOKING CONTEST!” Gai yells out at me, as I read my book. I look up at him for a moment, thinking. I don't cook for a reason, but Gai doesn't seem to know that. I guess I'll accept the challenge anyway.

 “Maa... Alright. Who's kitchen should we use? I don't have a good one,” I say, hoping that Gai doesn't have an idea on who's kitchen to use or has a good kitchen. This will go badly if he does.

 “NO I DO NOT! Do you have any ideas?” Gai says cheerfully as I die inside. There's no way I'm going to get out of this one, and I know it now.

 “How about using Minato-sensei's kitchen?” I reply hesitantly. I should've known that the whole idea was a terrible idea and decline the challenge when Gai said he didn't have a good kitchen.

 “ALRIGHT! IT'S DECIDED!” Gai says, and we go to Minato-sensei's house to complete the challenge. I already have a couple of bad premonitions about this, but I decided to ignore them.

Why do I never learn?

>|<          >|<          >|<

     “Alright Gai, what are the details of this cooking challenge?” I ask, looking at Gai. Gai smiles, and I instantly get another bad premonition. This isn't going to go well.

 “Rice omelet!” Gai says cheerfully, and I know this isn't going to go well. Could we at least make something that doesn't require the use of a stove? I nod in reply, and quickly get the ingredients and start cooking at the same time as Gai.

It nearly instantly goes wrong.

     Somehow, Gai managed to already set something on fire and tried to kick the flame out but that didn't work well so I splashed the offending fire with water and went back to cooking. “KAKASHI! YOUR OMELET IS ON FIRE!” Gai yells out, and I turn to my omelet and internally curse to myself. Damn it! This isn't going well at all, and Minato-sensei's kitchen is already getting destroyed.

 “Oh Kami, we are completely destroying Minato-sensei's kitchen,” I say, looking right at Gai. “Is the challenge really worth it? Minato-sensei is going to kill us when he gets back from his mission.” For one of the first times that I can remember, Gai actually looked worried but then smiled.

 “It'll be fine! Right?” Gai replies cheerfully and completely oblivious. He doesn't know how scary Minato-sensei can be when something like this happens.

 “Sure...” I reply hesitantly, and we go back to the challenge. Despite Gai being overly cheerful and trying to assure me that everything will be fine, I can't help but worry. I guess I'll learn later, right?

But once again, I was completely wrong.

     Not even five minutes after Gai saying it'll be fine, I hear Minato-sensei walk into his house. “Shit!” I say quickly, looking at Gai who is somehow not concerned. “What do we do?” The kitchen has basically been absolutely destroyed, and somehow we are both still trying to win the challenge.

 “It's not going to be that bad, right?” Gai says quickly, and I sigh. Gai can be so naive sometimes that it's pathetic.

 “Just brace for the worst,” I reply silently, trying to think up ways to get out of this. I quickly realize there isn't one, so I just stand there. Oh Kami, I'm going to perish. If Obito was here, he'd probably be laughing at me for all he's worth. Gai looks at me completely confused, but I hear the door to the kitchen open and Minato-sensei walk in as I freeze like someone just told me that the next novel of Icha Icha Paradise was delayed.

     “Kakashi...” Minato-sensei starts, and I can't help but feel a shiver go down my spine. “Why is my kitchen on fire?” Me and Gai quickly turn to the counter, and the omelets that we tried to make are on fire. God damn it. I quickly put it out then turn back to Minato-sensei, shaking slightly.

 “A-ano... Gai challenged me to a cooking challenge,” I start nervously, and Gai instantly pales because he does not want to be brought into this.

 “Is that so?” Minato-sensei says quietly, looking at Gai. Gai looks like he is trying to think up a million different excuses in his head, even though he knows none will work.

 “Y-yes Minato-san,” Gai says, stuttering slightly. Now that's something I never thought I'd ever witness, even if Minato was there. This is actually terrifying and I think I've gone too far this time.

 “Pray to tell me how exactly this happened?” Minato-sensei replies, looking directly at Gai and me like he's staring right through us and could see our internal selves trying to form plans that fall apart just moments after getting pinned down by that icy stare.

 “I challenged Kakashi to a cooking challenge, and since we both didn't have good kitchens we decided to use yours?” Gai says quickly, and I instantly freeze. Minato looks directly at me, knowing I was most likely the one who suggested that.

 “And why did you think it was good to cook in my kitchen that you nearly burnt into ashes without my permission?” Minato-sensei says, a steely note in his voice that makes me instantly look guilty. Oh Kami, I'm such an idiot. “I'm never letting neither of you two near a stove again.”

 “So can we go now?” Gai says nervously, and I look at the poor man like he's absolutely insane. Oh Kami, he's going to perish. Minato-sensei twitches slightly, and I internally flinch. He then hits us both on the head hard, much like Kushina would of done.

 “No, you'll clean it completely,” Minato-sensei says, and I hear the unspoken threat in those words. “If anything is broken, you can pay for it too.” This didn't go well at all.

 “So... Who won the challenge?” Gai asks me, and I give him a long steady look.

 “Considering the circumstances and how much of a fucking idiot we were, neither of us. We both lost,” I reply, still not wanting to meet my sensei's cold stare.

 “You better have this clean by the end of the day,” Minato-sensei says as I internally die inside permanently.

 “OK Minato-sensei,” I say meekly as I start cleaning while Gai stands there like he was frozen. I don't blame him, Minato-sensei is usually kind and not many people know about his more serious side. Or how serious he can be.

 

God that was terrifying. I really don't learn, do I?

 


	4. 4. If you get hurt, just go see a damn doctor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't be a fucking idiot. It'll hurt more later.

     I was on a S-rank mission when I was in ANBU one day, and I fucked up and got injured. Since my team didn't see me get injured and couldn't easily see that I got injured, I didn't tell them.

It was a terrible mistake.

     Me and my team continued the mission, easily or semi-easily going through the objectives before we completed the mission and went back to Konoha. Because I was a naive idiot, I thought the other members of my team wouldn't notice that I was wounded but as usual I was wrong. Well, I thought no one noticed because no one said anything, and I went to my apartment to wait for my next mission before realizing I had lost a good amount of blood. So I bandaged it, and didn't go to the doctor because I was being a total fucking idiot. Now as you probably all know I am not a medical professional in any way, shape, or form but thought that I'd be fine if I just bandaged the wound and left it alone.

Not even a day later I realized how incredibly wrong I was.

     I walked out of my apartment after putting the bandages on to ask Sandaime-sama for another mission, and then I may or may not have passed out right in the Hokage building while shocking everyone in the general vicinity because I tore my wound open going up the stairs like a fucking idiot.

What an amazing day.

>|<         >|<         >|<

     I wake up to the beeping of machines, and a very unamused ANBU with Sandaime-sama. Well, this keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? “Kakashi, what did I say about getting wounds and not going to the hospital afterwards?” Sandaime-sama says blandly as I look to the side guiltily.

 “Aaa... Just get the damn wound checked by doctors?” I reply hesitantly, and the ANBU shakes his head in disappointment.

 “Exactly. So why did you get a nearly fatal wound and not go to the hospital?” Sandaime-sama asks, a steely note in his voice.

 “I have absolutely no idea,” I admitted, avoiding eye contact. I haven't been scolded like this in years!

 “Now, you will listen to the nurses and you won't get any missions until you are completely recovered,” Sandaime-sama replied with a tone that broke all the excuses I could try to come up with to try and get out of it. I nod silently, and somehow instantly go to sleep with suspicion, but I can't do anything about that right now. Oh well.

I really fucked up this time.

 


End file.
